Monday, December 30, 2013

Lonely

Week 13...

The only places I've gone in the last few weeks have been work and the doctor's office.

I miss people.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and kids, but I use to go to networking events a few times a month.  I use to go walk around the mall just because.  I use to have nights out with friends. 

One week before the PICC line was put in we had a game night with friends from work.  It was nice.  The kids were well behaved, we got to enjoy some laughs and I didn't get sick until we got home!  (However the next day wasn't as kind...)  

I haven't been to church in weeks... my kids really miss it, too.  Steve has been training at his new job, so he hasn't been able to take them.  Does anyone even notice that we're not there?   

We haven't made our "Facebook Official" post yet, so I can't vent publicly.  But I'm so lonely.  Part of me wants to ask my husband to take a day off with me and send the kids with a baby sitter, and just spend the day with me, no responsibilities.  But he needs to work, we need to save up for my maternity leave.  

I've been invited to a few "direct sales" parties.  But I don't want to have to bring my stupid backpack with me, and then deal with the fear of getting sick at my friends house.  

Hormones are a pain, too.  It doesn't help feeling lonely because of the isolation that the condition forces you into, to then be overly emotional while it's happening.  Really, does anyone notice that I've been hiding?  Does anyone care?

Kids' last soccer practices… one of the few times I left the house



Thursday, December 26, 2013

Water Weight & Extreme Fatigue

12 Weeks...

We were really hoping to only have the IV for a couple of weeks.

After 2 weeks, there was no way Bridget was going to let me off them.  I was still getting sick several times a day.

I began to eat one small meal a day, in addition to my Herbalife Monster Cookie Shake at New-Trition for breakfast: Mashed potatoes.  And not even made from russet or yukon golds... no powdered dehydrated mashed potatoes.  Seriously.  And I became kind of 'brand specific".  Idahoan, to be specific.  They were the only brand that tasted 'good' and would actually stay in my belly.

Life with an IV isn't pleasant.  You have this thing in your arm, all day every day.  And you get this backpack.  It's not attractive, so you can't really pass it off as anything but what it is.  And it's heavy!  The 4L bag weighed about 20 lbs, and after 2 weeks I was decreased to 3L, in hopes I would feel the need to drink more.  The 3L bag weighs about 15 lbs.  And you have to carry it with you wherever you go!



I adjusted my schedule so I changed the IV at night, so it wouldn't be as heavy during the day.   But here's the thing about having 3L of fluids pumped in your system everyday: in addition to the trips to the ladies room to get sick, you have to empty your bladder a dozen times a day too.  Imagine getting up at 3AM to go potty, and having to carry a 15 lb backpack with you... seriously.  Try it sometime you have to get up in the middle of the night - carry two 8 lb bowling balls in a bag and then tell me "It's no big deal."

The fluids helped me make sure the baby was OK, but there was still plenty of fear and doubt that baby was OK.  Then there's the guilt about taking care of the rest of your family.  I was so sick that I had no strength to do anything.  Making dinner was hard for me to do.  I was thankful for my husband, and the care that he gave me, us.  But there were nights that he'd work late, and I'd be on my own to make dinner.  It was hard.  There were plenty of nights where all they had were PB&J and fruit.

I was so thankful for our friend Jenn making us dinner.  Though I wasn't able to eat it, my kids did.  And there was plenty for dinner the next night, too.  We hadn't even asked for help, she just went out of her way to help us out.  We are so thankful.

One thing that I'd encourage any mom dealing with HG to do, is not be afraid to ask for help, and don't be embarrassed when it's offered.  You are growing a person!  And you will occasionally need help.  So if someone offers, accept.


Monday, December 23, 2013

IV Drama

11 weeks

I don't know about you, but I hate blood.

Having 3 kids, I've seen my fair share of cuts and scrapes.   But truly seeing your own blood....  ugh.

I just wanted to take a shower... I couldn't take a shower with my IV backpack, so I had to unhook from the IV.  But I twisted off the wrong part of the catheter on accident, and suddenly there was blood.  It was extremely nauseating.

Thankfully my husband works in the medical field and able to clean my line and help me hook back up.  But I was getting sick while he was helping me clean it up.  So embarrassing.

My nurse was due later that day, she added an extender piece, which the hospital had not added, which is why I was able to twist off the wrong piece.  The extender would be easier for me to unhook for showers, but made to IV's line really long.  I found myself getting it caught on things, tripping over it.  It wasn't until a few days later that I learned how to shorten it.

Another issue was priming the bag/tubes.  The pump itself could prime it, but you had to hold the button on the machine for 15 minutes...  then my nurse learned a trick - put it up and prime it manually. HOWEVER... the bag is heavy, and to hook it on to the temporary IV stand was hard to do alone.  And the stand was very wobbly.

If anyone knows an easier way to prime the line, let me know!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Bring on the Fluids!

I rescheduled my 12 week appointment for week 10, the end of September.  I'd lost 3 lbs in the 2 weeks since I'd been there.  My blood pressure, due to the NCS/POTS has always been very low, but it was really low at this visit.

On a plus side, I heard the baby's heartbeat.  Only one - everyone that we'd told at this point assumed that I must be carrying twins, and that was causing my sickness.

Doctor gave me a perspiration for Phenergan, but said it was not something to take unless I was home and not needing to go anywhere for a while.  My doctor told me to not worry about eating, my appetite would come in due time.  But I needed to get fluids in me; at least 60 oz.   I was told, if things didn't improve by the end of the week, I'd be put on IV fluids.  That scared me.

So I went home, took the Phenergan.  No joke, I was asleep on the couch in 20 minutes, and slept for 4 hours.  I woke up to get sick.

So the end of the week came, and things didn't improve.  In fact, they were getting worse.  I couldn't keep down any fluids, and the though of eating anything made me sick, so I didn't even bother.


I guess if you've never experienced morning sickness that's lasted more than a week or 2, you might not get it.  And if you're a guy, you have NO IDEA at all what it feels like.

Let me break it down for you.  Have you ever had a stomach flu? or food poisoning?  It took a lot out of you, right?  You felt like you spent all day in the bathroom, right?  And the last thing you wanted was to eat or drink something, in fear of it coming back up.  But the relief you felt knowing that it's only going to last a few days...  Yea, imagine all that, except you don't know when it's going to stop.  That's HG.


I made the call on Friday, and at 1:30 I found myself in the Intervention Radiology department, having a PICC Line put in.  They numbed my arm well enough, but the procedure itself was fairly long, and awkward.  The Nurse was being observed, as he was being introduced to a brand new "kit" that had it's own procedures.  They were carrying on a conversation while he put 45cm catheter in my arm and chest.

My arm was so sore, I wanted to put a heating pad on it, but that was a no-no.  And taking a normal shower?  Not going to happen with that thing on my arm.  I'd have to wrap my arm with plastic wrap every time I wanted to take a shower.

The next morning I received my delivery of 7 days of 4000ml of Fluids, and met my nurse Bridget.  She was great, and it was nice to know that she'd seen many patients with similar symptoms, and were fine after a few weeks.  She was upset because the nutrients that were ordered for me were not delivered... in fact, there was a nation-wide back order.  I supposed that since I was getting the fluids, that was the most important part.


But I felt so guilty:  I couldn't take my prenatal vitamins, I couldn't eat.  Was my baby really ok?

Monday, December 16, 2013

Can't Do Anything!

8 weeks...

The first 2 months of my pregnancy were spent sleeping, spitting up, and spending time with my family.  In that order.



I was so exhausted.  

At my 8 week visit, they gave me my Zofran, and told me to try adding B6 vitamins.  The problem... The only B6 tabs I could find were 100mg, and I was only suppose to take 25mg.  Grrrrr!  Found some online later, but I wanted them right away, not wait 3-5 days for shipping.  I also got some sea-bands to help.  

I didn't really see any improvement. 

Anyone who has had babies knows that you will most likely get sick for a few weeks, at most.  But in my first 3 pregnancies, it was pretty routine... First thing in the morning, then maybe in the afternoon.  But there really wasn't a lot of nausea involved.  It would kinda just happen.

So why was EVERYTHING making me sick?  Brushing my teeth, drinking, eating, walking, driving the car, laying perfectly still in bed?  Seriously?  Getting up at 2 and 4AM to get sick?  Really?

I knew something was wrong. 

It didn't help much that we had plans to be at Cedar Point around the 8 week mark.  I'd only just begun to tell my co-workers, and I was going for a work event.  Obviously, I wasn't going on rides.  However I did take my 7 year old daughter to the kids areas.  I got sick just watching her - several times in fact.  I'm sure that staff at Cedar Point is familiar with people getting sick, but I'd assume they were not the spectators... 

That day was the first day when the so-called "morning sickness" really became more than a nuisance.  

It was at the 8 week point when my appetite completely disappeared.  And drinking anything - yea right.  

The only thing I was able to keep down were the shakes I got everyday at New-Trition, and it took me a long time to finish the 16oz shakes.   I honestly don't know what I would have done without them.  Usually I was more of a berry shake kinda person, but the only shakes that tasted good, and stayed down, is a shake called Monster Cookie.  

Called the doctor.. going back at 10 weeks instead of 12...

Thursday, December 12, 2013

How to Behave Around A Pregnant Woman Part 1

"Common Sense Isn't Common Anymore" is a phrase that I hear and use almost daily.  What use to make perfect sense to everyone to do or not do is not the case anymore.  People now need baby-step by baby-step instructions for everyday interactions.

Especially around pregnant women.

Now, this is just my opinion, with input from some friends, but I think most pregnant women would agree.  Here is the start of my list


Having a baby bump does NOT give you permission to rub my belly.  I mean I could go on and on, make this whole post about it but here are a few of the big reasons
  1. Personal Space.  I get it, some people are just touchy-feely and will find any excuse to hug your or whatever.  But you wouldn't want me rubbing your non-baby belly, so why should you rub my belly.  
  2. Maternal instincts.  We are growing a little human in our wombs.  That is my child.  Don't touch my child.
  3. Sensitive Skin.  Did you know that some women actually experience sunburn like symptoms on their bellies due to the stretching.  Yea, it hurts. Don't touch.
Don't Call A Pregnant Woman "huge".  We're women.  We can be vain.  We are suppose to gain about 30lbs in a pregnancy.  We develop swelling in random places, carry water weight and have a hard time maneuvering with our protruding bellies.  We already feel huge, you don't need to point it out. And husbands, calling your wife fatty or even "phatty" is NEVER acceptable.


Don't Ask "Is this your first?"  Such an uncomfortable question for so many women.  There are those who have had many miscarriages, or lost a child, that the question is just hard to answer, and it is hard for the other person to hear the answer.

Then there are those who have multiple children, and people give really weird looks when you say "It's my 4th," like you're some kind of side show freak.  I hate when someone responds with "Ever hear of birth control," or even more inappropriate "Ever think of saying no."

Children are miracles from God, a blessing to their families.  Whether in our arms or in our hearts, every baby is precious.

Are you still sick?  Have you tried ____?" If you have HG like me, the answer is always yes.  And sometimes that's hard for people to understand.  And then they list off things that they tried to deal with their morning sickness.  When you've been dealing with it for 20+ weeks, don't you think a women would spend hours online looking up home remedies and old wives tales and try them all, just to feel better?  You really think telling me to drink Ginger Ale at 22 weeks is going to make me say "Oh gee, why didn't I think of that?"

Don't offer to help if you're not going to help.  If you offer to make a pregnant women or new mom a few meals, or to come help with chores, or to watch the kids so she can sleep, and she accepts - DO IT.  If you're not going to follow through, DON'T OFFER.  And, if she doesn't accept - DO IT ANYWAY.  Call and say "I made an extra dish of lasagna for dinner, can I bring it over to you?"  As a mom of 3 with Hyperemesis, and a husband who works 50+ hours a week, making dinner and household chores are hard to get done.

Veggie Lasagna... takes 5 minutes to put together.
Make one for someone!


So that is the start of my list, there is plenty more where that came from...

Monday, December 9, 2013

Taste Buds Changing

Week 7

Due to my POTS, my doctor told me that it was OK for me to have caffeine.  The average pregnant woman is allowed 12oz of a caffeinated beverage each day.  Because of my low BP and not being able to take my meds, I was allowed to double that.

Even in the summer, I have the coldest office at work.  So pre-pregnancy I was have 3 or 4 cups of hot tea every day.

My Favorite Mug

Around the 7 week mark, my beloved tea started to taste... off.  I knew there was no way it could be bad, tea lasts forever, right?  And I'd been drinking the same tea the week before.  So why does it taste off?  Adding lemon, honey or more sugar didn't help.

So not only am I nauseated, but now my favorite beverage tastes yucky.  Great.

And then I got sick after I (finally) finished a cup.  I think I'm done drinking tea for a while.

I usually have a sweet tooth, but sweets taste too sweet.  I'm usually a Pepsi person, but this baby prefers Coke.  My husband thinks that maybe this baby will FINALLY get me to try a piece of beef (which I've not eaten since I was 15).   At this rate, who knows.

They say that you will crave what your baby needs.  All I want is... well, nothing.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Symptoms Increase

6 Weeks Pregnant.

My kids are back in school now.  The minute the get on the bus, I'm on the couch trying to get some rest before I go to work in an hour.  But mostly I spend it getting sick.

Up until this week, I'd just been really tired.  But now, I'm getting sick.  First thing in the morning.  Then again a couple hours later.  And then again, and again.  Even woke up a few times in the middle of the night, just to get sick.  I don't know which is worse: loosing your lunch, or spitting up bile.  

Crackers and Ginger Ale, they say.  It will make you feel better.


Yea, maybe when you have the flu. 

Usually, I love Canada Dry Ginger Ale.  It's always been a favorite, sick or not.  But after that first time you get sick after drinking it... it's enough to make you not want to even look at it.

It's summer still, the weather is still pretty warm, but I tried making soup.  Ahhh, no.  

This is normal though, I should be sick for a week or 2, then it will be gone and I can enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.  

Thinking back to my first 3, I was sick with Samantha during the 10th/11th week.  It was exam week.  I was graduating on Saturday, and we were saying our final goodbyes to Steve's Grandma Lucy on Sunday.  It was a bad time to be sick, but I wasn't that sick.

With Emmalee, I honestly didn't know I was pregnant with her until I was 12 weeks, there was no morning sickness.

With Steven, I did have about 2 weeks of being sick around the 8 week mark, but it was really just in the morning.  

So this should pass soon... but why does it feel so different this time?

Monday, December 2, 2013

Why...

I turned 30 on August 7.


I found out I was pregnant on August 14.  Even on my birthday, I knew.

I knew something wasn't quite right.  Why was I so tired?  Why was I so weak?  Why was I feeling sea-sick while standing still?  The answer became clear after I took that lovely at home test.

To be honest, as much as I wanted one more baby, I wasn't ready.  My husband was transitioning into a new job, we were entering into a new season in our life.  Heck, our 3 children were now all in school.  It took a few days for it to sink in:  Here I am, 30 years old, having what will probably be my last baby.

Exciting and frightening all at the same time.

Of course, I had to call my doctor right away.  I was diagnoised with POTS earlier in the year, and after having 3 babies while dealing with NCS, I was scared to think what these added conditions might do to the pregnancy.

At 8 weeks pregnant, I went to the doctor, and came back with a prescription for Zofran, which had worked wonderfully with my first pregnancies.  I mean, for them, I was sick for a couple of weeks, max.

So why wasn't it doing anything?  Why was I still so nauseous?  I mean, I wasn't getting really sick yet, just here and there, but I was so nauseous I couldn't eat anything, and drinking anything made it worse...

It became quite clear, early in this pregnancy, that this was not going to be "normal".

What is hyperemesis gravidarum?

Depending on what resources you look at, some will list it as "Morning Sickness lasting through the entire pregnancy."  Others will list it as "Severe."  But what make HG what it truly is, is when a woman is dehydrated and losing weight in the pregnancy, putting herself and her baby at risk.  Only 0.5%-2% of pregnancies will receive this diagnosis.  And yes, the condition can be life threatening.  Which is why moms need to know that "really bad morning sickness" is a big deal, and not to be taken lightly: if you go a day without being able to keep any food or drinks down, call your OB! And if someone tells you to "toughen up," remember, it's all about the baby!


So, why am I writing this? 

Because, hyperemesis gravidarum  is not widely know, and hardly understood.  Many women who suffer from it often don't get the support they need, from the people around them, and sometimes even their physicians.


Why did I wait so long to start writing?

Well, actually, I didn't.  I just waited to publish.  HG can be very dangerous, for mother and baby; my husband and I waited until we had a few ultrasounds in to make sure the baby was OK before we went public with my pregnancy.  (We got a lot of flack from some people, mainly our prayer warrior friends, for not telling them sooner.  Sorry - you can blame Steve!)  But at 20 weeks, we saw our precious baby and knew it was OK to share our news.

What will you be reading?

Well, I'll probably start with some older writings, giving a background and my experiences the first 20 weeks, then catch up to where things are now.

Being of the Christian faith, prayer has been a large part of my journey.  I'm told daily "We're praying for you," and often I feel bad when I say my condition hasn't improved.  In my moments of weakness, I cried out "Why am I going through this?  Is this just another attack, is something great coming that the enemy doesn't want me to do?  Or is there a lesson that I need to learn?  And God's response to me has been "Yes, something great is coming.  And yes, there is a lesson; but it's not for you to learn."  I don't know what that means.  Perhaps someone will come in to my life that I will guide through this.  Maybe my daughters will also develop this condition.

Or maybe there is some mom out there right now, scared and confused, feeling alone and disregarded because of their "morning sickness" that just won't go away.  Fellow mom - you ARE NOT alone!